I Message

The Purpose of an I Message

• Self-exploration, self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-care. Take personal responsibility vs. blaming.
• Share so that your partner understands you and will be more likely to lean toward you instead of away. This includes statements of your own emotions, physical sensations, behaviors, thoughts, and values. Use I Messages to express complaints as well as happy emotions.

Seven Parts of an I Message

The focus is on yourself, not analyzing or controlling your partner.  Speak from your heart.

Do not say, “I feel that you ________ .“  This is a disguised “you message,” which means you are analyzing  your partner instead of sharing about yourself.

1). Ask: May I talk with you about X.  Is this a good time?  If not, decide on a mutually agreeable date, time, and place.

2) Sandwich technique. As a metaphor, the pieces of bread contain sincere compliments and affirmations of your partner. Your I Message will be the “meat” between the two pieces of bread. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that healthy relationships require at least five positive expressions to counteract the impact of one negative statement. Why is that? People need to feel securely attached to be regulated in their nervous systems. Our brains register negative feedback as a threat to secure attachment. Negative feedback carries more emotional intensity than a compliment. Tell your partner how important they are to you and how you desire a healthy relationship.

3) Name your primary emotions. “Part of me feels ____________ .”  Express primary emotions (happy, sad, afraid, hurt, scared, ashamed, alone, helpless, powerless, surprised), which pull for empathy. Secondary reactive emotions such as anger, resentment, and frustration pull for defensiveness … unless you clearly take responsibility for your emotions instead of blaming.

4). Describe your partner’s behavior that triggered you in non-blameful words. Be accurate, concrete, and specific.

Try not to express your interpretations of their behavior. That leads to arguments. However, if you share an interpretation, say, “I have the interpretation that you X.” Take responsibility for your interpretations and realize that they may or may not be accurate. Hold them lightly. You may be emotionally reacting to your interpretations, which are different than reacting to your partner’s behavior. Become curious about the part of you that makes these interpretations. Why does the part get triggered? Analyze yourself more than your partner.

5) Describe the tangible effect on you or how you have been harmed by your partner, if there is any. Sometimes, there is no tangible effect. That’s OK. It could be a values clash. Explore your values. Try not to impose your values on your partner.

When done well, after several interchanges of I Messages and Active Listening (see page two), you will both have sorted out your thoughts and feelings, and you will feel emotionally connected. Your hearts will open again. The next step is to tell your partner what would help you: the problem solving phase.

6) Make clear specific requests for change instead of continuing to complain. What would you like and by when?

Putting it all together – Example of an I Message:               

“I feel sad that my efforts do not seem to please you. I try hard to make things nice for you, and when I hear that you don’t like what I have done or how I have done it, I feel like a failure. When I reach out to you to discuss this, and you refuse to talk to me, I am at a loss for what to do. I do not want this pattern to continue. In the future, please talk with me in a respectful way about what is bothering you instead of criticizing me. Tell me what you would like from me, and I’ll tell you if I will do it or not. Hopefully, we can create a win-win compromise in an open, caring conversation.”

7) Give a closing affirmation. This is the last piece of bread in the sandwich metaphor.

This is the last piece of bread in the sandwich. “Thank you for your willingness to listen and share. I feel like we are connecting again.”

Contact information

Please reach to me if you’d like help learning I Messages and healthy conflict management skills. Please fill out the form on the contact page.

Author: Benita A. Esposito, M.A., LPC, LCMHC

I help highly sensitive people (especially introverts) heal emotional wounds, cultivate inner peace, deepen spiritual intimacy, and express their Authentic Self. I am a licensed professional counselor in Georgia and North Carolina, as well as a spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

My bestselling book is available on Amazon: The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Radiant Authentic Self.

I specialize in identifying limiting patterns quickly so you can make meaningful progress without wasting time. My approach is body-based, grace-filled, and rooted in a Christian perspective that honors all faiths. I’m certified in the following therapies: Mindfulness, Brainspotting, Grief, Telemental Health, Highly Sensitive People.

In my free time, I enjoy gardening, rowing on mountain lakes, and hiking to waterfalls. My inner shutterbug shot most of the photos featured on my websites.

Credit: I’ve added to the definition of the “I Message” that I learned from Thomas Gordon in his book, “Parent Effectiveness Training.”

Photo credit: Benita A. Esposito.