Perfectionism helps Highly Sensitive People (HSP) excel, but at what price?

What underlies the drive to excel? Is it healthy or unhealthy?

Can you be a high-achiever and feel good about yourself even if you lose?

For some high-achieving HSPs, failing is getting a B instead of an A.

If you could see the underlying motivation for your striving, you might find a super-responsible part.

You also might find a part of you that feels humiliated if you don’t meet your standards. The core emotion might be shame. That’s a horrible feeling so you want to avoid it at all costs. That part might say, “I’m not good enough.” The compensating strategy could be a compulsion for excellence that is driven by hidden fear.

Let’s see what we can learn from Simon Biles’ courageous vulnerability.

The Simone Biles Story

In case you don’t know Simone Biles, she has won 11 Olympic medals and 30 World Championship medals, which makes her the most decorated gymnast in history. She says it wouldn’t have been possible without weekly therapy.

Elite athletes are familiar with the roller coaster of performance. That’s normal. One day they’re “on” and the next day they’re “off.” They’ve practiced their routines thousands of times before they walk onto the competition stage.

In the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, Simone experienced the twisties. That’s when a gymnast loses their sense of location in midair and can’t determine how they will land, making the move risky.

Simone withdrew from competition and took a two-year break to focus on her mental health.

I admire her courage to publicly disclose her mental health challenge. She broke the stigma of getting professional help and opened the door for thousands of reluctant sufferers.

Then, the hidden story unfolded.

Simone started weekly therapy. She discovered that her struggles at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics were due to a trauma response from sexual abuse.

Her mother tried to get Simone to disclose the sexual abuse, but Simone refused for a long time. The super-responsible athlete told herself, “Shove it down, wait until my career’s done, [then] go fix it.” That caught up with her, a Los Angeles Times story on reported on 8/23/24.

In September 2021, Simone Biles, the Olympic team captain, testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee about the FBI’s mishandling of the Larry Nassar investigation. Nassar, the osteopathic doctor for the gymnastics team, was sentenced to 40 – 175 years in prison after pleading guilty to sexual assault of the team.  (You can read details about Nassar’s abusive acts in the IndyStar publication on Jan. 25, 2018).

Simone returned stronger than ever in the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics after her two-year hiatus. At age 27, Simone Biles won three gold medals, and one silver medal, and reclaimed the all-around title.

Simone says she still religiously attends therapy every Thursday. She met with her therapist daily during the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. They practiced visualization among other things.

But Simone wasn’t perfect in the 2024 Summer Olympics. She made costly mistakes in the final floor exercise that resulted in a silver medal instead of a gold medal. Did she feel humiliated? No. Simone celebrated the winner!

Simone and Jordan Chiles radiated glowing smiles while respectfully bowing to the Brazilian gold medal winner, Rebeca Andrade, on August 5, 2024. If you want to see the video, visit goodmorningamerica.com and search for Simone Biles wins silver, August 5, 2024, minute:57. This inspiring picture is worth a thousand words.

Simone commented afterward, “You win with grace and you lose with grace.”

What a beautiful role model!

Simone Biles encourages us, “Put your mental health first. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the biggest stage, that’s [mental health] more important than any other medal you could win.”

Simone’s advice for young athletes: “I hope young women take away that it’s OK to not be OK. You can speak up for what you believe, and you can do things alone,” she said. “It’s OK to kind of be shot down. Sometimes, it’s how you get up and pick yourself back up [that is the most important thing].”

My Reflections

I want you to go for the gold, but I don’t want you to suffer needlessly while you do it. Many high-achieving HSPs experience too much stress while working toward their goals. They override the needs of their bodies. This can lead to burnout, disease, anxiety, depression, and neglecting personal relationships.

If you only feel good about yourself

when you are performing well,

it means there is a part of you

hiding in the shadows.

That part feels inferior.

 

Your critic’s harsh judgment banishes that part so you may not be aware of it. You don’t know what you don’t know. You can’t help that part heal and grow into a generative, creative aspect of your inner family.

When you access the hidden wounded child, inner healing enables you to feel good about yourself when you win and when you lose. You shine more brightly all of the time. Your very presence becomes healing to others.

10 Key Takeaways

1.    You can feel good about yourself whether you win or lose. Give yourself grace. Self-compassion.

2.    Some clients expect their problems to subside more quickly than they do, and they get discouraged. Good therapy is not a quick fix, especially if you have a history of trauma. There are many layers to uncover and discover.

3.    Don’t give up. Dig deep in therapy so you reach the diamond below the earth’s surface that’s been formed under one billion years of pressure.

4.    Simone Biles trains twice a day for a total of 6 hours. This involves strength training, circuit training, endurance training, and gymnastics. To cope with such a heavy training schedule, she supplements her nutrition with a balanced diet. Some say it takes 10,000 repetitions to excel at a new skill. You didn’t have to practice 10,000 times when you learned to drive a car, but you get the idea.

5.    When a reporter asked Thomas Edison, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps. Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.”

6.    Instead of basing your self-esteem on performance, heal your inner child who feels inferior when you don’t score an A.

7.    Form a loving relationship between your Wise Self, your spiritual connection, and all your inner parts. All parts are welcome.

8.    Ask for professional counseling if you experience abuse. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233. Or call 988 for the suicide and crisis lifeline.

9.    If you have escaped an abusive situation, that’s not the end of the story. Get therapy to heal PTSD so it doesn’t continue to compromise your well-being. Help is available to heal the residual.

10. Good mental health helps you perform your best. Make your mindset a priority.

 

Resources

Netflix documentary: “Simone Biles Rising” part 1 and 2

https://www.indystar.com/story/news/2018/01/25/heres-what-larry-nassar-actually-did-his-patients/1065165001/

Los Angeles Times article 8/23/24

Contact Information

If you are looking for therapy, life coaching, or spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, Benita A. Esposito is happy to help.

Benita A. Esposito is a psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, bestselling author, life coach, and ordained minister. Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

The fastest path to personal growth is an intensive retreat for Highly Sensitive Introverts.  

 

Copyright 2024. The Esposito Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.