Inspiration for HSPs with perfectionism: Simone Biles’ Courageous Vulnerability

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Perfectionism helps Highly Sensitive People (HSP) excel, but at what price?

What underlies the drive to excel? Is it healthy or unhealthy?

Can you be a high-achiever and feel good about yourself even if you lose?

For some high-achieving HSPs, failing is getting a B instead of an A.

If you could see the underlying motivation for your striving, you might find a super-responsible part.

You also might find a part of you that feels humiliated if you don’t meet your standards. The core emotion might be shame. That’s a horrible feeling so you want to avoid it at all costs. That part might say, “I’m not good enough.” The compensating strategy could be a compulsion for excellence that is driven by hidden fear.

Let’s see what we can learn from Simon Biles’ courageous vulnerability.

The Simone Biles Story

In case you don’t know Simone Biles, she has won 11 Olympic medals and 30 World Championship medals, which makes her the most decorated gymnast in history. She says it wouldn’t have been possible without weekly therapy.

Elite athletes are familiar with the roller coaster of performance. That’s normal. One day they’re “on” and the next day they’re “off.” They’ve practiced their routines thousands of times before they walk onto the competition stage.

In the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, Simone experienced the twisties. That’s when a gymnast loses their sense of location in midair and can’t determine how they will land, making the move risky.

Simone withdrew from competition and took a two-year break to focus on her mental health.

I admire her courage to publicly disclose her mental health challenge. She broke the stigma of getting professional help and opened the door for thousands of reluctant sufferers.

Then, the hidden story unfolded.

Simone started weekly therapy. She discovered that her struggles at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics were due to a trauma response from sexual abuse.

Her mother tried to get Simone to disclose the sexual abuse, but Simone refused for a long time. The super-responsible athlete told herself, “Shove it down, wait until my career’s done, [then] go fix it.” That caught up with her, a Los Angeles Times story on reported on 8/23/24.

In September 2021, Simone Biles, the Olympic team captain, testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee about the FBI’s mishandling of the Larry Nassar investigation. Nassar, the osteopathic doctor for the gymnastics team, was sentenced to 40 – 175 years in prison after pleading guilty to sexual assault of the team.  (You can read details about Nassar’s abusive acts in the IndyStar publication on Jan. 25, 2018).

Simone returned stronger than ever in the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics after her two-year hiatus. At age 27, Simone Biles won three gold medals, and one silver medal, and reclaimed the all-around title.

Simone says she still religiously attends therapy every Thursday. She met with her therapist daily during the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. They practiced visualization among other things.

But Simone wasn’t perfect in the 2024 Summer Olympics. She made costly mistakes in the final floor exercise that resulted in a silver medal instead of a gold medal. Did she feel humiliated? No. Simone celebrated the winner!

Simone and Jordan Chiles radiated glowing smiles while respectfully bowing to the Brazilian gold medal winner, Rebeca Andrade, on August 5, 2024. If you want to see the video, visit goodmorningamerica.com and search for Simone Biles wins silver, August 5, 2024, minute:57. This inspiring picture is worth a thousand words.

Simone commented afterward, “You win with grace and you lose with grace.”

What a beautiful role model!

Simone Biles encourages us, “Put your mental health first. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the biggest stage, that’s [mental health] more important than any other medal you could win.”

Simone’s advice for young athletes: “I hope young women take away that it’s OK to not be OK. You can speak up for what you believe, and you can do things alone,” she said. “It’s OK to kind of be shot down. Sometimes, it’s how you get up and pick yourself back up [that is the most important thing].”

My Reflections

I want you to go for the gold, but I don’t want you to suffer needlessly while you do it. Many high-achieving HSPs experience too much stress while working toward their goals. They override the needs of their bodies. This can lead to burnout, disease, anxiety, depression, and neglecting personal relationships.

If you only feel good about yourself

when you are performing well,

it means there is a part of you

hiding in the shadows.

That part feels inferior.

 

Your critic’s harsh judgment banishes that part so you may not be aware of it. You don’t know what you don’t know. You can’t help that part heal and grow into a generative, creative aspect of your inner family.

When you access the hidden wounded child, inner healing enables you to feel good about yourself when you win and when you lose. You shine more brightly all of the time. Your very presence becomes healing to others.

10 Key Takeaways

1.    You can feel good about yourself whether you win or lose. Give yourself grace. Self-compassion.

2.    Some clients expect their problems to subside more quickly than they do, and they get discouraged. Good therapy is not a quick fix, especially if you have a history of trauma. There are many layers to uncover and discover.

3.    Don’t give up. Dig deep in therapy so you reach the diamond below the earth’s surface that’s been formed under one billion years of pressure.

4.    Simone Biles trains twice a day for a total of 6 hours. This involves strength training, circuit training, endurance training, and gymnastics. To cope with such a heavy training schedule, she supplements her nutrition with a balanced diet. Some say it takes 10,000 repetitions to excel at a new skill. You didn’t have to practice 10,000 times when you learned to drive a car, but you get the idea.

5.    When a reporter asked Thomas Edison, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps. Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.”

6.    Instead of basing your self-esteem on performance, heal your inner child who feels inferior when you don’t score an A.

7.    Form a loving relationship between your Wise Self, your spiritual connection, and all your inner parts. All parts are welcome.

8.    Ask for professional counseling if you experience abuse. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233. Or call 988 for the suicide and crisis lifeline.

9.    If you have escaped an abusive situation, that’s not the end of the story. Get therapy to heal PTSD so it doesn’t continue to compromise your well-being. Help is available to heal the residual.

10. Good mental health helps you perform your best. Make your mindset a priority.

 

Resources

Netflix documentary: “Simone Biles Rising” part 1 and 2

https://www.indystar.com/story/news/2018/01/25/heres-what-larry-nassar-actually-did-his-patients/1065165001/

Los Angeles Times article 8/23/24

Contact Information

If you are looking for therapy, life coaching, or spiritual counseling for highly sensitive people, Benita A. Esposito is happy to help.

Benita A. Esposito is a psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, bestselling author, life coach, and ordained minister. Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

If you are new to Benita Esposito’s work, the first step is to fill out the application on the Contact Page.

The fastest path to personal growth is an intensive retreat for Highly Sensitive Introverts.  

 

Copyright 2024. The Esposito Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.

Transforming Perfectionism and People-pleasing: a Breathwork Story

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If you are like most Highly Sensitive Introverts, you aspire to be your best Self. It’s my joy to encourage you. After you read the client story, click the button for the HSP Retreats. It’s a wise choice if you want to create rapid shifts in your life.

Highly Sensitive Introverts deal with two typical challenges: perfectionism and people-pleasing. While these coping strategies may increase career success, they cover up emotional wounds. You can’t access them to heal them. Your life will grow at a snail’s pace compared to what it could be. Read more

Transforming the Inner Critic with Brainspotting & IFS

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Does your Inner Critic act like a sports reporter critiquing everything you do?

 If so, you are not alone. Many high-achievers suffer from critical jabs and barbs. The Inner Critic pushes us to succeed. When we’re not perfect, our Inner Child takes a hit.

In this story, you’ll meet Marie. She is a bright, kind, creative woman who doesn’t deserve to be plagued by a harsh taskmaster. You’ll see how she and the Holy Spirit tamed her Inner Critic and turned self-loathing into self-compassion. Come along with us on Marie’s journey to her Authentic Self.

Marie’s Background (in her words)

I originally began seeing Benita Esposito in the summer of 2021 when I was 31 years old. I wanted to heal childhood wounds, create an earned secure attachment style, and tap into my Authentic Self.

My perfectionism, self-loathing, depression, and anxiety were at an all-time high. My Inner Critic scolded me saying, “You should be able to handle difficult situations by yourself. You should be self-sufficient. Grow up and stop whining.”

I felt lonely and insecure inside. When the following thoughts came for me, I spiraled into defeat and depression: “What’s the point? Why should I even be here?”

I knew that much of my emotional pain stemmed from the toxic relationship I had with my biological father during my childhood. His emotional abuse and emotional unavailability made me feel unsafe, and that I wasn’t worth his time or energy. I felt like I had to fend for myself when I visited him on weekends. If I was afraid or hurt, I had to be the one to take care of myself. I learned that my needs would be met with anger and frustration.

I always yearned for belonging. 

I had no idea how much of my identity was wrapped around my dad’s behavior towards me until I began attending sessions with Benita

Now, as an educator and student affairs practitioner, I love creating a sense of belonging for students. I want them to feel seen and heard, especially in my writing consultations with them. I’ve turned my emotional pain into my passion to help students feel cherished so they can become their best selves.

One pivotal session showed me a new lens through which to view myself.

At the outset of our session, I mentioned to Benita that I was still learning to be okay with opening up and sharing how I really felt. I told her that I needed her to help me with tapping more into my Authentic Self in our sessions. I admitted to her that I was learning how to bring down my walls, but I was anxious.

My Mask

It was challenging to be authentic because I regularly displayed a veneer that created distance within myself and with others. I realized that I would not be able to get my core needs met if I continued to operate with my mask.

I requested that Benita ask more probing questions to help me fully show up, such as “How are you REALLY doing?” I agreed that I would practice responding with how I REALLY felt … not just waiting for Benita to ask me … and not just saying that I felt fine with a camouflaged smile.

My Fears

I admitted that I was afraid of feeling anxious if I showed up as my Authentic Self.

When I imagined someone asking me, “How are you?” and I said, “I’m tired,” I would feel like I was burdening them rather than sticking to the usual “I’m OK.”

I was so afraid that by sharing how I really felt I would make the other person do more of the “work” in the conversation.

Reflecting upon my insecurities, my Inner Critic told me, “You’re egotistical if you share too much of yourself. Don’t be self-centered.”

Another part of me was afraid of too much exposure if I shared my Authentic Self. I would feel too vulnerable like, the spotlight was on me.

I didn’t like coming across as weak. If I were weak, then I imagined I wouldn’t be accepted. My father rejected me when I was hurt. I imagined other people would reject me, too. If I was too much, too real, or too vulnerable, I wouldn’t be accepted.

If I wasn’t accepted by others, 
I berated myself.
Self-loathing skyrocketed.

Here’s how Brainspotting helped Marie heal. (written by Benita Esposito)

I used a method called Brainspotting to help Marie heal the emotional pain that resulted in depression, anxiety and feeling like she didn’t belong. Let me explain a little about how Brainspotting works. It’s not like talk therapy.

Dr. David Grand, the originator of Brainspotting, discovered that where we look affects how we feel emotionally and physically.

When we look in a certain direction, emotional wounds can be activated so we can heal them. If we focus on another location, calmness or creativity can be stimulated. The Brainspotting practitioner helps the client determine these visual spots. Brainspotting also helps us tap into the healing power of our spiritual connection.

Much of the processing takes place on a physical and emotional level beyond our awareness. 

Our prefrontal cortex (the conscious part of us) can’t perceive the healing or explain it. 

That’s why some clients call Brainspotting a mystery.

 

Here’s a brief description of Marie’s process. 
 
I helped Marie choose two spots that were relevant to her issue.

1.     She found a visual RESOURCE spot that helped her feel calm, grounded and safe. I used a teacher’s pointer to mark this spot for her to focus on. This correlated with where she felt most calm and grounded in her body.

2.     She located a visual ACTIVATION spot which provoked her anxiety and self-loathing. Again, I used a teacher’s pointer to mark this spot for her to focus on. This correlated with where she felt most activated in her body.

Marie wore stereo earphones to listen to calming biolateral music engineered by Dr. Grand. The music moves between the ears, stimulating both sides of the brain. This accelerates the healing process.

Marie stared at her chosen spots and allowed thoughts and feelings to surface spontaneously. She watched the thoughts and feelings come and go without judgment … moment after moment.

I told Marie that she could share what she experienced or remain silent. Either way works fine.

Brainspotting accesses the amygdala
where emotions and memories are stored.
The procedure is so effective because it
processes difficult unconscious material
in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us.
The Brainspotting practitioner helps
the client remain in their window of tolerance.

 
We combined Internal Family Dialogue with Brainspotting.

We all have parts inside our inner family. For example, we have an Inner Critic, an analytical Adult, a spontaneous fun-loving Free Child, a people-pleaser Adapted Child, a Rebellious Child, and a Nurturing Parent.

Sometimes one part, such as the Inner Critic, dominates the other parts like an abusive husband would belittle his wife. This was at the heart of Marie’s self-loathing.

To heal emotional wounds and coping patterns, we bring love and understanding to each part from the Authentic Self. This is also called the Wise Self or the Spirit-led Self.

We help the inner family communicate with each other and build healthy relationships.

Often, we start with the Inner Critic because its voice is so loud. We acknowledge the critic for the role it has played. The critic unconsciously tries to protect other parts. These are often exiled scared parts who are too afraid to show up.

We want to help the wounded exiled parts come out so we can help them heal.

Other inner family members might be afraid to let the exiles emerge for fear that they will overwhelm the family with their pain. Clients sometimes say, “If I let myself cry, I might cry forever or I might not ever come out of it.”

We ask the exiled parts not to overwhelm the family. 

Most of the time, they will agree. We help them come out a little at a time so the whole family can adjust.

As we help the hurt exiled parts heal, the critic no longer has to work overtime to protect that part. It can relax and step back. It no longer needs to dominate other parts with its heavy-handed orders.

Over time, the parts learn how to build bridges where there were walls before. Marie was learning how to create a healthy inner family where all parts were working together to meet everyone’s needs while receiving guidance from her spirit-led Self and the Holy Spirit.

The Brainspotting Process

The Set-Up

·       Marie put on her headphones and listened to David Grand’s biolateral music, which accelerates the healing process.

·       She identified the issue as self-loathing when people don’t accept her.

·       She located this issue in her body. It was below her heart and felt like a tight pressure. The color was red. We call this the body activation spot. 

·       Marie rated the intensity of the activation of her issue as a level 8 where 10 is high.

·       She did a body scan from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet. She looked for the most grounded part of her body. In this case, it was her tummy. We call this the body resource spot.

The scene in Marie’s words:

My seven-year-old Inner Child is wrestling with my Inner Critic as they always do.

I notice these thoughts, “You’ll never get it right. You’ll always be alone.”

The wounded Inner Child is losing the match.

Benita: Do you hear a voice sending you those critical messages? Whose voice is it?

Marie: My biological dad fed me those critical messages. He’s trying to silence me. My walls formed when I was seven.

Benita: You introjected messages from your father. You swam in the only fish bowl you had.

Marie: I want to break this vicious cycle.

Marie addressed her father as if he were in the session. “Dad, these messages are not beneficial to me. They never were. I give them back to you. You are their owner.”

I see a giant stack of papers. I’m giving them back to him. I have a sense of relief and release. My shoulders are looser.

There is still emotional pain in my heart center. The wound is still there from all that pollution and garbage.

Marie tunes into another part. “This is the purest part of me … the one who is most symbolic of who I am … before any bad influences occurred. It’s like a breeze … you can feel it but you can’t see it. It’s my spirit. It’s strong, resilient, and wise. It zig-zags, pulling me with it. Now there’s nothingness … a peaceful nothingness.”

My pain is level 7.  It’s in my stomach.

My Nurturing Parent touches the places inside of me that are wounded to heal them. There’s a red light around them. It hurts.

Now, there’s less tension. “This is for your good,” she says. “You’ll feel better in time. It’s gonna be OK.”

Marie looked at the resource pointer with one eye which increased the intensity of the processing.

Marie: I feel calm. I am hopeful about moving towards self-acceptance. I feel calm in my core and in my gut.

Benita’s commentary: Marie was developing more body awareness so she could stay grounded and present.

The following internal conversation developed spontaneously.

  • Holy Spirit: You’ll be OK. You will get there. You will overcome.
  • Marie breathed a long exhale.
  • Benita’s commentary: The long exhale means your parasympathetic nervous system is soothing the body.
  • A Bible verse comes to mind: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
  • Sigh
  • Benita’s commentary: The parasympathetic nervous system is coming online to soothe the body.
  • I feel a peaceful nothingness … no negative thought spirals. It feels great.
  • Sigh.
  • Benita’s commentary: The parasympathetic nervous system is coming online to soothe the body.
  • Level 4
  • Looking at the Resource pointer: You are loved.
  • Looking at the Activation pointer: You are nothing, worthless.
  • Looking at the Resource pointer: It’s OK to be OK inside yourself. I’m still OK even if Dad doesn’t think so.

Marie talked to her father as if he were present.
“Dad, even if you don’t think I am OK, I know I am. It’s OK to be me. I don’t need you to tell me who I am. I don’t need you to silence me. Don’t silence me anymore!  You’ve really hurt me over the years. You’ve caused me to second-guess myself. Now, I’m choosing to put my thoughts and feelings first. You may not have a stronghold on me anymore.”

Benita to Marie: Repeat this statement three times so it soaks into your mind and body: “I’m choosing to put my thoughts and feelings first. You may not have a stronghold on me anymore.”

Marie repeats the sentences three times, each time with more feeling and louder.

Marie: My body feels like a weight has been lifted. I feel lighter and stronger from within. I know who I am.

Marie spoke to her father again in her mind:

“You don’t know who I am. I have come a long way and I am moving forward. I don’t need you and your lies to get in the way.”

Marie: That felt really good. My body feels less heavy. I’m feeling strong and resilient in the innermost core of my being.

Now, I’m not being thrown by all these punches … no more wrestling with my Inner Critic.  I feel bigger and stronger than those thoughts now.

I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Good job, Marie! You did well. Keep relying on me and depending on me so you can see clearly who you are because I’m working through you. You are not who your father said you were.”

Marie repeated three times: “I am not who my father said I am.”

Marie: My body feels so much strength in my core. It’s like an uprising … waves are coming up. I’m ready to take on whatever challenge is ahead of me.

The ending level was a 2 out of 10 after 30 minutes of processing

Marie reported, “My chest is lighter and peaceful. The color is white.”

Debrief

Marie: This was a core transformation. I feel a lightness of Self and my Being is strong. I’ve never felt this way before. I have a new kind of discernment. I no longer feel inclined to embrace what is not authentically me.

I’m looking forward to doing more work like this and helping the Inner Critic. He’s taking a nap now … his first nap ever! He doesn’t have to work so hard now that he knows naps are possible. LOL

Benita to Marie: We addressed the CORE IDENTITY that you formed at age seven (or maybe younger). You made a new core decision about your identity. Your primary attachment is now with the Holy Spirit, which replaces the primary attachment with your dad who peppered you with all the critical demeaning messages. Good job, Marie!

Marie’s Comments

Benita guided me through core identity work. It was such an incredible experience. During our session, I remember thinking that I wish I could feel this weightless blissful nothingness all the time.

I recall after my session looking above me and noticing that I no longer felt the heaviness that used to suffocate my self-esteem and weigh me down. I had a clear mind without being bombarded with self-loathing and negative feedback loops. I felt free, light, and strong all at the same time.

The next day I woke up to a feeling of hope and security, like the sanctuary I had been searching for had been found inside of me.

Brainspotting helps build community with my Self with my inner family. The whispers that flow between each of the family members become more audible to my conscious mind. This internal communication creates the ideal conditions for self-discovery, transformation, and healing.

I know that because of my work with Benita, my life has been transformed. I can appreciate who I am. I believe the events that took place in my session with Benita gave me the opportunity to redefine myself, and I’ve been reawakened to my true identity.

Benita is an amazing guide. Her discernment and uncanny ability to tune into the spiritual realm are the impetus for miracles. Benita’s gentle yet strong presence, coupled with her intentionality, created the ultimate safe space for me to bring my walls down and discover the deep healing that I sorely needed.

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Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito offers distance counseling and life coaching for Highly Sensitive Introverts via Zoom videoconference. Psychotherapy is open to residents of Georgia and North Carolina. If you live in another state or country, spiritual counseling and life coaching is available.

If you would like to schedule a complimentary 10-minute Discovery Call for counseling or to inquire about an HSP Retreat, please complete the application on the contact form.

Photo credits:  

  • Benita Esposito by K Boyer Photography
  • Brain by Milad Fakurian, Unsplash

7 Steps to Intuitive Healing

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Do you know it is possible to reduce pain by listening to the messages in your emotions?

In this article, “7 Steps to Intuitive Healing,” you’ll see how I helped a client learn to listen intuitively to her body to activate healing. You can do this, too. At first, it helps to have a skilled healer work with you. With practice, you’ll be able to do it on your own. Read more

The Problem with Perfectionism and Pleasing for HSPs

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High-achieving Highly Sensitive People value excellence. They are tender souls who do their best to create healthy loving relationships. They want to make the world a better place. The problem is: they may lose themselves while helping others. Read more

Self-care for High-achieving HSPs: Morgan’s story

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I share stories about high-achieving Highly Sensitive People on the Hero’s Journey hoping they will inspire you to create a truly fulfilling life rooted in your Authentic Self. If you are not fulfilled, it may be because you conformed to what your family, your culture, or an outdated version of yourself thought was best for you. Read more

Unbridled: Finding My Innermost Self

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The following story took place at my Deep Emotional Healing Breathwork Retreat. My client attended individual sessions for about one year for issues related to self-esteem, career, trauma and relationships. She’d been making steady progress, and the groundwork had been laid for a giant leap. You’ll hear the story from my client’s point of view. May it inspire your hero’s journey to your Authentic Self.

Read more

Spiritual Intimacy Heals Abuse: Tiana’s Story

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OVERVIEW

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Healing Grief: Breathwork Opens the Heart

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I have worked with Benita Esposito for ten months. We have done both personal counseling as well as incredible couples counseling with my husband. I’m so grateful that I accepted her invitation to attend a Deep Emotional Healing Retreat that included breathwork, a spiritual healing method. Read more

Tristen’s Journey: From Abuse to Empowerment

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When searching for a trauma counselor, Benita’s bio resonated with me right away. My intuition told me to reach out to her. After the first “get to know you” session, I knew she was the counselor for me. Her warm and caring demeanor washed over me like calming waters. Read more